


Alone at the Edge of a Universe

by theidiotwiththepaintedface



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: (Seemingly) Doomed Love, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Homophobia, M/M, Romance, Suicide, as in the usual bandersnatch "jump and then come back" suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27695846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theidiotwiththepaintedface/pseuds/theidiotwiththepaintedface
Summary: Stefan suddenly becomes aware of the loop he's been stuck in. He and Colin band together, determined to stop the reset from happening again.
Relationships: Stefan Butler/Colin Ritman
Comments: 10
Kudos: 10





	1. You Used to Say I Took the Words so Serious, Now I'm Serious.

**Author's Note:**

> _Colin's thoughts are in italics._  
>    
> Rating will change as the fic progresses. Romance and smut will happen eventually.
> 
> Fic title is a lyric from Dream Sweet in Sea Major by Miracle Musical.
> 
> Chapter title is a lyric from Good as Gone by BOYO

“Colin.”

Colin sighs. 

_Alright. Go time._

He turns, ready to give his usual spiel. He’s stopped in his tracks by Stefan’s grim expression. Colin looks around, surprised to find no Mohan in sight. He turns back to Stefan, half expecting his serious expression to be replaced by his usual wide eyes. Starstruck. Anxious. Childish.

“We need to figure this out.” Stefan stands stock still as he speaks. There’s hardly any of his usual shyness.

Colin blinks. Once. Twice. He rubs his eyes.

_Roll with it. With whatever little deviations come._

“Figure what out?” He feigns nonchalance. In reality (or whatever he lives in) his heart is thudding in a funny way. It’s been so long since there’s been a deviation he hasn’t witnessed before.

_He must be particularly unstable in this loop. Already losing it over the game, I assume._

“This fucking loop! What else?” Stefan takes the chair next to him. Colin stews in his shock.

“This... what?”

_There’s no way. Nothing like this is ever happened before. Not even when I’ve tried to prompt it. Not until the LSD. Barely even then._

“The. Time. Loop. I know you know what I’m talking about! I know that you’re aware of the resets.” Stefan scrubs his face with his hands. Then he stares intently at Colin. His eyes almost seem angry, but Colin can see the tears in them.

_There’s no way. I’ve finally lost it. I’m making this up in my brain._

“Ok. So you remember. How much, though?”

“All of it. I think. I remember so much. So much that it all kind of blurs together.” Colin folds his hands in his lap as Stefan begins to ramble. “I let Tuckersoft take over Bandersnatch. It sucked. I went to your apartment. You drugged me. I took the drug. I jumped. You jumped. I killed my dad. I made a great game. I made a bad game. I killed Mr. Thakur. I killed y-” Stefan looks at him with wet eyes. “I... killed you. You let me kill you. I hate that so much. Why did you let me do that?”

_How am I supposed to respond to that?_

“That’s...” He has to look away from Stefan as the tears start to spill down his cheeks. “It’s, um, great that you remember! I mean. It must be pretty awful for you. To remember all those things, I mean. But I’m glad we can talk like this.”

“Yeah. I’m... glad. That that I’m not so... in the dark anymore.” Stefan wipes his eyes with his sleeve.

_You have no idea the kind of darkness you’ve just found yourself in._

“Yeah.” He reaches out and pats Stefan’s shoulder. He lets his hand linger for a moment too long, just lets it sit there. Stefan looks at him with something unreadable in his eyes and Colin pulls his hand back.

“You sods getting on?” Mohan strides over to them, a too-big grin stretching his face. “Uh oh. We’re looking a bit too serious over here.”

Colin prepares his excuse in his head.

“We’re getting on great, Mr. Thakur.” Stefan beats him to the punch.

“Well that’s fantastic! Now, about Bandersnatch.” Colin notices Stefan’s almost imperceptible flinch at the mention of his game. “I was thinking... How about you work on it here! We coul-”

“No thanks, Mr. Thakur.” Stefan shoots a false-warm smile at Mohan. “I think I need to do it at home. In my own space, you know?” Colin can’t stop an impressed smirk from sliding across his face at Stefan’s sudden boldness. 

“Ah... I suppose!” Colin holds back a snicker as Mohan puts on his best ‘this is fine’ expression and retreats to his office. 

Colin notes the fact that Mohan didn’t close his door.

_Bloody eavesdropper._

“Let’s head to my place then. Get some privacy.” Colin’s already heading towards the door as he speaks. As expected, Stefan follows him without complaint.

They walk in silence. Colin doesn’t know what to say. He’s said so many things, so many times, but had never been able to cause anything like this. Stefan seems too lost in thought to speak. Colin has to grab him by the shoulder to keep him from walking right past his car. Stefan comes back to the present and he reaches for the handle. Colin beats him to it. He opens the car door and motions for Stefan to get in. Stefan mumbles an almost inaudible thanks.

_Where’d all that boldness go, hm?_

Colin rounds the car and gets in the driver’s seat. He pretends that he doesn’t notice Stefan staring at him with wide eyes as he starts the car. They drive in silence. Despite having taken Stefan to his apartment who knows how many times before, awkwardness prickles his skin. Stefan shifts to gaze out the window. Colin almost doesn’t catch the fact that he’s saying something, so very quietly.

“Speak up, Stefan.”

“I...” Stefan pulls hard at his earlobe. “I’m...”

Colin waits until they’ve pulled into the parking lot to speak.

“Let’s talk inside.” He hops out of the car and opens Stefan’s door for him. “Maybe you’ll feel a bit more comfortable there.”

Stefan takes his extended hand. Colin glances at their joined hands as he steadies him. He looks up and finds Stefan’s eyes locked on his face. They stand there, completely still, as several seconds tick by.

“Just don’t slip me anything this time.” Stefan grins as he says it. Colin holds back a sigh of relief.

“Not angry about that, huh?” Colin’s a bit disappointed as Stefan pulls his hand back.

“No. I know why you did it.” Stefan laughs softly. He pokes Colin’s arm as he walks past him into the apartment building. “But it was still rude.” Colin can’t help but chuckle alongside him. He can’t remember the last time he’d genuinely laughed like this. They make their way to Colin’s apartment. 

“Kit?” Colin calls out as they enter.

“Hm?” She rounds the corner, Peal in her arms. “Oh, who’s this?”

“Stefan Butler. I just signed with Tuckersoft. Sorry to intrude like this.” Stefan has a small, sad smile on his face as he looks at Kitty and Pearl.

Kitty smiles and shakes her head. “Oh it’s no problem. A friend of Colin’s is a friend of mine.”

Stefan steps forward and looks down at Pearl. “Pearl, right? Colin told me about her. She’s adorable.” 

“Isn’t she? My perfect little angel. I’m actually about to take her to see a friend, so you two will have the place to yourselves for a few hours.” She turns so Stefan can’t see and winks at Colin. Colin has to hold back a chuckle at her assumption.

“Well, have a good time with Victoria. See you later.” Colin holds the door for them. Kitty waves at Stefan as she leaves.

“She’s so nice, pretty too. I’m sorry you can’t, you know, spend more time with her. Before the resets I mean.” Stefan sits on the couch. He picks at his nails as he speaks. Colin puts water on for tea before sitting across from Stefan.

“You mean you’re sorry that she can’t spend more time with Victoria.” He lights a smoke and reclines in his chair.

“Her friend?” 

“Her girlfriend.” Colin watches Stefan’s face carefully. He’s never talked to him about this before. 

_We’re fucked if you can’t get past this. C’mon Stefan. You’re a good guy._

Stefan gapes at him. Colin sees the exact moment that his meaning sinks in. “O-oh. She’s... y’know...” He keeps his eyes on his hands in his lap. 

“Lesbian? Yup.” Colin takes a long drag.

_Moment of truth._

“Oh, ok. But, um, aren’t you two...?” Stefan looks up at him, eyes wide with nerves.

“Just for show. And because she wanted a baby.” Colin watches Stefan carefully. “We don’t have to talk about this if it makes you... uncomfortable.”

“No! I mean, that’s not it. I’m surprised... and confused, I guess. But, uh, I don’t have an issue with it or anything.” Stefan’s cheeks turn redder and redder as he stumbles over his words. Suddenly, his face takes on a serious expression. “But don’t mention it to my dad. He’s...” His eyes slip back down to his lap.

“I get it. No worries. So, about Kitty and I.” Colin stands and pours the tea. “I’m gay.” He purposefully faces away from Stefan as he says it.

_Everything we’ve been through... And I’m still fucking nervous to say it to him._

He turns back to Stefan, tea in hand. “And Kitty’s lesbian. We’ve been friends for a long time. Or so my memory tells me at least.” He sets a cup in front of Stefan. “And we agreed that we didn’t want to have to deal with pretending to be single. Or the alternative...” Stefan nods silently.

“Wow... That’s amazing. That you two are such good friends I mean.” Stefan smile softly, his cheeks pink.

“Mhm.” Colin sits, his own tea in hand. “You know, every time I’ve asked you about girlfriends and such you’ve dodged the questi-” A sniffle stops him. He glances up and finds Stefan rubbing his sleeve over his eyes. 

“Sorry.” Stefan’s voice is thick with tears.

_Now look what you’ve fucking done, Colin._

“No. No, I am. I’m sorry if I’ve been... insensitive or anything.” Colin internally debates trying to hug him.

“No. The opposite! I’ve never been able to talk about these things with anyone...” Stefan shoots him a shy smile. “Thank you.”

Colin’s heart thumps in his ears.

_I am so fucked._


	2. I Woke Up Sad, ‘Cause it Never Happened.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A non-linear collection of snippets from various timelines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Colin's thoughts are in italics._
> 
> Chapter title is a lyric from Warsh_Tippy and Zelda by WHATEVER, DAD

“Stefan.”

“You know my name?” Stefan gapes at him with round eyes.

“Yes. We’ve met before. Many times.” Colin can’t help but cringe inwardly as Stefan glances around for Mohan. He probably wants his help with the lunatic programmer he’s just stumbled upon. 

“...And when was that?” Stefan stays standing despite Colin motioning for him to sit down. He chews his thumbnail. A nervous habit.

“Listen to me. This is a simulation. Or something like that at least. Your actions are being controlled. You need to figh-” 

“This isn’t funny! I- I’m just here for an interview.” Colin resists the urge to reach out and shake him by the shoulders. “I’m just going to... go find Mr. Thakur. Um. Goodbye, Colin.” 

Colin sighs as Stefan scurries off, frightened off by his aggressive approach.

_Guess I need to be more gentle with him._

-

Colin sighs.

He watches Stefan hit the ground.

He lights a joint.

-

“Hey, Mohan?”

“Yeees?” Mohan doesn’t even spare Colin a glance.

“That lad you have coming in today-”

“Steven?”

Colin pinches the bridge of his nose. “Stefan.”

“Ah, That’s right. What about him?” Mohan grabs his coffee from Satpal’s hands without thanking him.

_I hope it’s his turn to get it this time around. Get him good, Stefan._

“I was thinking. Maybe we could reschedule? I don’t feel like dealing with some newbie today.” Colin pretends to not notice the confusion that twists Mohan’s face.

“Who said I was gonna introduce him to you? Feeling a little full of ourselves today, are we?” Mohan’s boisterous laughter grates on Colin’s ears. 

“Didn’t you mention that he’s a fan?” Colin picks at his cuticles. 

“Did I? Well, whatever. I just won’t bring him over to you then. No problem!” The look he gives Colin is in discordance with his jovial tone.

Colin leans back in his chair. He drapes his arm over his eyes and lets out a deep breath.

_Maybe it’s me. Maybe my presence leads to his downfall._

“Ahaha. Yeah, that’s great Steven. Sorry, Stefan. Oh, here’s the great Colin Ritman by the way.”

_Bollocks._

-

Colin gazes at Stefan.

Dark, curly hair. Crooked teeth. Plain clothes.

He gazes at Stefan and offers him a drink.

-

“So, Bandersnatch. Based on the Davies’ novel?” Colin motions for Stefan to sit in the seat next to him at his desk. He notes the way his eyes light up at Colin’s knowledge of his inspiration.

“Yeah!” Stefan visibly cringes at his overenthusiasm. “Um, yeah. It’s my favorite book, so, you know. I decided to make a game based off of it.” He rubs the back of his neck.

_Not the nail biting this time._

_Or the earlobe._

_Hm._

“That’s interesting. Deciding to make a game based on a book, I mean.” 

Stefan shifts in his seat. “You... thinks it’s a bad idea?”

Colin finds himself wishing that Stefan would look him in the eyes. He wants him to know that he means what he’s about to say.

“I think your game is fucking genius.”

-

Colin gazes at Stefan.

Optimism. Bright smile. So much intelligence.

He gazes at Stefan and ignores the way his chest aches.

-

“One of us is going over.”

Colin watches Stefan sway as he peers over the edge.

_He needs to start over._

“I’ll do it.” Stefan clambers onto the ledge. Colin squeezes his eyes shut.

_Maybe this needs to happen. God. I hope it doesn’t._

He doesn’t open his eyes.

-

“Don’t talk to me. I’m busy.” Colin doesn’t even turn around. He shoots the poor sod down before he can even introduce himself.

_Sorry, Stefan. I have to try everything._

“Oh c’mon on now, you big crank! Say hello to the lad!” Mohan slaps Colin on the back, a little too hard to be purely joking.

“Oh no, Mr. Thakur! It’s fine!” Stefan’s voice is so quiet, so shy.

“Ah, you go get your demo set up. I’ll be right there.” Mohan sends him off, waits until he’s out of sight. “Colin. Ritman. What are you thinking?! You can’t talk to potential creators like that!”

“Fire me then.” Colin doesn’t look at Mohan either.

“What is the world has gotten into you today? Hung over, I’m sure. I’ll cut you some slack since you’ve been working so hard on Nohzdyve.” Mohan pats him, rather than slaps this time.

“Mhm.”

Nothing changes.

-

“Do you understand?”

“Maybe. Yes. Sort of.”

Colin rubs his thumb over Stefan’s cheek. Stefan seems occupied staring at his eyes, so he takes the chance to take a good long look at him. 

_He’s so pretty._

“Mmm. Why are you...” Stefan loses his train of thought for a moment. He reaches up and runs his fingers through Colin’s hair. “You’re handsome.” 

Colin sucks in a breath. “Look who’s talking.” 

_Stay focused, Colin. You have to open his eyes. Not... flirt with the poor sap._

Colin starts to pull his hands back, but Stefan grabs them and presses them back on his face. 

“Your hands feel good, Colin.”

_Oh, for fucks sake._

-

“So... you’re trying to tell me that we’re, what? Living in a simulation or something?” Stefan sits with his arms crossed on Colin’s couch. 

_Forgoing the LSD was a bad idea._

“Sort of. C’mon now. You said you’d hear me out.” Colin speaks softly, as if to a spooked animal.

“I... am. But, you’re kidding right?” Stefan shifts, wrings his hands. His expression tells Colin all he needs to know.

_Damnit. Fucked this one up too._

-

Colin sighs.

He watches Stefan hit the ground.

He lets out a long held sob.


End file.
